The law says that a dead body may not be left unattended until handed over to a coroner. I stared at the tiny grey body swaddled in blankets, waiting for the grieved mother to say her goodbyes. When she arrived, I wanted to cry with her. But who am I to cry for a baby I never knew, a child I did not bear?
He was seven days old. He weighed 1600 grams. He was severely bradycardic.
His mother brought him to Emergency because she knew his breathing was not satisfactory.
He stopped breathing while I was auscultating his chest.
He was my first resuscitation.
I think he should not have died. I think if we had located an appropriate mask-size earlier he would have been okay. Or if the new suction was not so difficult to operate. Or if he had been delivered to Neonatal Emergency instead of Paediatric Emergency.
I remember his tired eyes moments before his heart stopped. I remember the doctor yelling, “Mommy, wait outside!” while he was intubating.
He was given adrenaline intravenously, intraosseously, and via the ET tube.
We saw him become grey moments before they called it.
His ribs were broken from the compressions – but that we could have managed. If only his tired little heart would have started up again.
Mothers should not lose their children.
I have to remind myself that this is not about me. Not my grief to claim. I don’t get to toss around at night about this.
But that is easier said than done.