In honour of good consultants

Tomorrow starts one of the most difficult (apparently) theoretical blocks of med-school: Musculoskeletal System.

In honour of the first two weeks of Paediatrics, which were awesome, I decided to post a few hilarious quotes made by unwitting consultants.

“I’m not interested in the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. I’m interested in the collateral damage right here in our wards.”

Infectious consultant ranting about the prescription of fluoroquinolones and 3^rd generation cephalosporins when other antibiotics will suffice.

This was on our first day in her ward and I thought, “Great, another doctor who thinks that medicine is the only thing that matters in life.”

Before the end of our time with her, she redeemed herself by telling us about the importance of weather patterns in disease – for example, did you know that there have been links drawn between the incidence of Kawasaki’s disease and international wind patterns? Also, haemorrhagic fevers are moving slowly more towards the south of Africa due to increasing temperatures.

“Oh, this child is the petri dish.”

Infectious consultant about a young child with – among others – Cytomegalovirus, Adenovirus, Clostridium Difficile and Cryptosporidium.

“My dear, as far as I remember, this little one is a bit of a factory error…”

Sympathetic surgery consultant after being asked the diagnosis of a child with obvious congenital abnormalities. He was hypotonic and had some severe facial dysmorphic features, but not those suggestive of Trisomy 21.

“You know, of course, that life is nothing more than an infectious process.”

Infectious consultant explaining that not only does life start out as a parasite, but those that often end life, such as atherosclerosis, have now been proven to have infectious links.

“Most of the time when we are in the room patients scream because I am ugly and you people stick them with needles.”

Infectious consultant explaining how “extreme irritability and screaming” can be considered a diagnostic criterion for Kawasaki’s Disease. In other words, if the child still screams when you give her to her mother and leave the room, something is wrong.

One of the guys in my clinical group mentioned that he wished he had a Dictaphone to record all the craziness that transpires when we are doing clinical work. I do too – some of the hilarious things we do just aren’t the same when written down.